“It’s not me, it’s you.”

I’m making a pact with myself to not write about Army for the rest of the month. After this post, he is out of sight and out of mind. Starting today I begin focusing on my own life, apart from him being in it, and looking forward to a brighter future. I’m prepared to move on, whatever that entails, and I’m not looking behind me any longer.

However, I did say after this post. Catch that? So here’s my final say as I lay down the hammer and walk away from my poorly constructed relationship. This is me finally speaking up and saying out loud, “It wasn’t me, it was you.”

My friends and I decided to join Tinder during one of our girls’ nights last week as a laugh. If you have never had the pleasure of reading Tinder pickup line fails, then I highly recommend you doing so. It is ridiculous what some men (and even some women) will go through just to hook up with someone. There is no cheesier place than Tinder, and did we get a lot of giggles out of the app!

The app only lasted on my phone for a day or two. I had my fill of pervish inquiries, and once I was no longer with friends the app just felt guilty in my hands. This was not how I was going to find a partner, let alone a simple friend. But the app revealed an impacting thought on how the dating scene works nowadays: first impressions are all about physical attractiveness. One’s personality really has no basis when it comes to someone wanting to be with you; the opposite sex has to like what he or she sees first before trying to explore anything further.

This revelation was utterly demeaning to me. I mean, I think I’m fairly attractive, but I also believe my personality is the winning point. It’s easy to spot a pretty girl with a great body from across the bar. But, what you can’t tell by just looking at her, is the size of her heart. A large and caring heart is a very rare thing to find, and something you should never let go if you’re lucky enough to have someone with it.

One of my best friends and I had a long discussion on why things went the way they did with Army. And though I’ll never have a complete answer, she did give me a lot to think about it terms of myself. She called me the strongest woman she knows in an emotional sense, and someone with the biggest heart she’s ever known. She said I’m the friend friends wish they could be. Yet, even after I gave her a skeptical look, she continued on by explaining exactly how I am these things. And her response was one of the most self-realizing revelations I’ve ever had. She took specific points she knew of Army’s and my relationship and explained…

  • A girl with a large heart is thoughtful. She always remembers the little details, even the drill dates you told her about a month ago. And when she asked how your work day went, she actually wants to know — it isn’t because she feels she has to to be polite. She will surprise you with your favorite treats (like an expensive beer and Crown cake) simply because she wants you to smile and know she was thinking of you.
  • A girl with a large heart appreciates every little thing you do. Whether it’s a simple text saying “have a good day!” or stopping by to surprise her with an impromptu rendezvous with your family, she’s quick to realize it and thank you for your sincerity. She also isn’t overly concerned about the price tag but rather the quality of your presence in her life. A picnic on the beach or night under the stars are some the best presents you can give this girl. It’s the thought and the effort put into making her smile that’s important.
  • A girl with a large heart is perfectly comfortable with keeping it simple. Everyone loves a nice, romantic date from time to time, but this girl is more than happy to spend a night in with you, cuddling and watching Netflix.
  • A girl with a large heart loves your family as if they were her own. She’s the first one to thank your mother for making dinner, and she’ll bring flowers to adorn your parent’s kitchen just because she can. She’s the first to call up your brothers and invite them to the latest community event. She also understands that you need your “guy time” and is always the first to tell you to go hang out with your boys for the night. Not surprisingly, she’s also more than willing to meet your friends — and include them into her already socially busy life as well.
  • A girl with a large heart has an undeniable presence. Though she never tried to be the center of attention, this girl always knows someone everywhere you go. Her smile is contagious, and she’s always there to help others with their problems and is the one person everyone goes to for advice. You probably hear it a lot — from your family, friends, her friends, strangers — that you’re one lucky guy. The depth of her heart is never-ending and it’s obvious she puts herself above others in all aspects of her life.
  • A girl with a large heart is the type of person you can plan a forever with simply because she is a friend above all else. She’s the one person you are able to let your guard down around and de-stress. She listens intently to your problems and discusses different solutions openly and without judgment. She gives you your space when needed, but you know she is always there should the need arise. There’s no need to keep up the tough guy act around her. She is your best friend, girlfriend, and will be a fabulous mother to your future children.

When she painted this clear image for me, I can’t help but toot my own horn a bit: I am a damn good girlfriend. Yet this only makes me more confused as to why I am now single and the person I held so highly in my heart no longer wants me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have my faults. Great faults that make some of my closest friends and family want to wring my neck. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I’m also far from the worst. I am always looking to better myself, and I was more than willing to take critical criticism from those in relationship with me. That is how love should work; both parties grow together for the better of themselves and their relationship.

Looking back, I’m not sure if Army ever got past the physical attraction part of our relationship to appreciate all I have to offer as a person. It is nice to hear people tell you that you look good, that you’re beautiful, that they want you. At the beginning I was complimented regularly, but that died rather quickly. Instead, I heard them about other people, other girls, other friends.

Perhaps I’m simply trying to make excuses for him, but I feel he lost hope in our relationship due to his interest in me being rather shallow. There are a lot of beautiful women in the world, but beauty usually only goes so deep. Personally, I am happy that I am attractive “enough” on the outside,  but I am proud that I carry a beautiful heart as well. The fact that this man I loved never took the time to fully appreciate this fact about me is what I will use to move on.

Being in my twenties, I’m not looking for the typical “high school relationship”. I don’t want nor do I need a boyfriend simply to say I have one. I am looking for a life partner, someone who will be with me until death because he loves every aspect of me, down to those annoying and craze-inducing faults. I want someone who loves my brains, beauty, and beliefs.

When we broke up, Army said I was the ideal girlfriend. However, if he truly believed that he wouldn’t have tossed me aside. He would have fought for me. He should have fought for me.

I suppose that’s what break ups are though, painful little jolts in our lives that make absolutely zero sense. I don’t understand how Army and I went from happy to separated in a week. I don’t understand how he can tell me he loves me but want to be alone. I don’t understand why my life abruptly changed.

I do know one thing though: this time it wasn’t me, it was him. And guess what? I am okay with that. I am okay that he walked away, because in the end he wasn’t who I thought he was and that’s not who want.

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2 thoughts on ““It’s not me, it’s you.”

  1. This was so refreshing to read. and you are so right! 1. Tinder is hilarious for a few minutes… and 2. when you get to a point in your life that you no longer want to date just for the sake of dating it is eye opening. You realize that you aren’t better than someone, but you’re better than a situation and you finally aren’t afraid to say it out loud. Plus… you aren’t afraid of being alone while you wait for that person that is… YOUR PERSON!… Your lobster, if I’m quoting Friends. My last relationship ended because my family was too big of a priority to me… and you know what… BYE… if anyone doesn’t see that as a positive that someone is family oriented then good-bye. I so hope you find your partner in life… and you’re are right… it’s Army’s loss! 🙂 -H

    Like

    1. Thank you, Hillary, for this wonderful comment! You are so right; once you reach that point when dating is no longer just for the sake of dating, the world changes. You don’t have to wait around and be unhappy simply to say you’re in a relationship anymore. You can be alone, and be happy, and not have to rate your worth in the eyes of another human being. I cannot wait until I find my lobster (LOVE THIS EPISODE AND SHOW!!), but until he walks into my life, I am more than content. Best of luck to you on the journey of life as well and don’t be a stranger! -A

      Liked by 1 person

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