Excuse the following rant, friends, and jump to the next post for entertainment. This little snippet is for me. It is needed.
It has been a bitter month. I can feel the ice in my bones, yet I cannot seem to shake the shivers. I have come into the custom of laying in bed at night and thinking of why my summer is advancing this way. Most of my blame comes down to Army, and I am sour over the end of our relationship. His excuses truly piss me off: he is f****** up in the head and can only think about himself for awhile? Come on! Breaking up is never easy, but tossing me aside with that simple statement is ridiculous. Man up and tell the truth: in the end, you never did think about anyone but yourself anyways.
Maybe, Army, you don’t understand why you are so self-centered. I think this is where your headaches stem from: you know you’re being inconsiderate to others, others realize it too, and the two don’t mesh. Maybe learning how to love both yourself and others is what you need to figure out in order to move forward and be happy. I was just as perplexed by your mannerisms. I mean, your family is very family-oriented, and you come from a service which hinges on relationships between brothers. So why is it that you only care about yourself?
At the beginning of our relationship, you weren’t like that. You were arrogant, yes, but in an endearing way. On top of being arrogant you were respectful, kind, sincere, funny, and admiring. I fell for you partly because of your arrogance; that attitude made you confident and protective and showed you knew who you were. It wasn’t until The Stresses began when I noticed the change in your weather.
An interesting concept discussed by Hazel in The Fault in Our Stars was based upon a lesson she learned during her community college course: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Of course, I was taught this basic pyramid in high school health class as well as in my college freshman psych course, but the reminder of what science believes is the provision of humans’ success in life caught my attention.
I suddenly understood why you had changed. And so abruptly.
When this little pyramid flashed on my Kindle thanks to Hazel’s beautifully grown-up mind, I have a revelation: Army, you’re stuck.
You’re stuck at only the second rung of the ladder! Your life does not have Safety and Security; you have Job Stress and Friend Stress and Home Stress. You fell from an unsteady stance in Self-Actualization when you came back from the service, and are now caught hugging the ladder a mere two feet off the ground.
It is not until you become happily content with your new job (complete training and successfully endure your new career for some time) that you will be able to contemplate moving forward.
It is not until you come to the realization that having friends and people to do things with is an important aspect in life that you will be able to look up and shakily take a breath.
It is not until you are either satisfied with your life at your parents’ home or buy a house yourself that you will be able to suck up the fear and step into the next phase of your life.
You were right, Army, when you told me you weren’t on the same level as me. However, I don’t think you knew how right you were — I am not ready for marriage, for children, or to start living with another person. You, on the other hand, are not ready to date or allow someone to gain feelings for you. How can you have a connection with someone else, especially in the form of love, when you aren’t even happy with yourself?
And so I apologize.
I am so sorry.
I guess I never stopped to consider whether or not we were both ready for a relationship…
If I had known at the beginning…
But I was too far up the ladder to look down and see you failing.
When I look at this hierarchy, I can gladly and proudly claim to be at Self-Actualization. I have a purpose in life, I know the meaning to my life, and the potential I have for not only bettering my own future, but the world as well. And with self-actualization, I am at a level in my life where I am ready for new things to enter my life. I am ready to help others. I am ready to love.
Right now, tonight, this is not a relief to me.
The only relief I hold to now, laying here in bed, typing, watching my sight waver through a thin shield of tears, is knowing that I tried my best. It was not only my job to know whether you were ready or not, it was your duty as well. I never pressured you into our relationship. All I ever told you was that I was there for you, and I told you the same the last day we parted.
And still, even though I’m the one hurting right now, I meant it then and I mean it now: I’m here.
And you’re not.
And that’s how things are going to stay.