To the Guy I Thought I’d Grow Old With

A few days ago my friend Meghan reblogged this article written by Anna Bashkova and reading through it gave my heart a pang. I’m not the type of person who likes to openly hurt myself; I am no masochist. So it is not very often I try to think about my past. Sure, I’ve learned from my choices and the people who have come and gone throughout my life, but to actively consider these things every day? Not a chance. However, when those rare occasions happen — and they are bound to through social media postings, run-ins, and flashes of memory — it is sometimes hard to connect my current self with the former.

I have been in love twice. For some of you reading this post, this is old news. I’ve spoken about these loves in bits of Peonies ‘n Mint (okay, so maybe more than “bits”), and as you might know, I loved these two with my whole being. I even accepted a ring at one point. Thinking about how strongly I felt about these two people brings back a lot of mixed emotions. At the time of our romances, they were each my world. I loved them and a future together was all I could imagine. Looking back, though, I remember feeling that a future was set but I cannot always remember why I felt that way. Too often hurt feelings and sad memories block this aspect, the why did I see a future, and I’m left clinging to the reflections, dazed and confused. Then I read Anna’s post, and most specifically the Elizabeth Gilbert quote she used as an introduction, and it was as if a light was shone on these moments…

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Who is Your Average?

You are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time.

This quote has been surrounding my life for the past three weeks since I first heard it spoken at House (my 20-something’s Bible study group.) Our discussion for the night was about reflecting on who we keep in our lives and the purpose of why some people seem to come and go at unexpected moments. This is something I have spoken about at length in my posts in the past (i.e. Calling Out Toxic Relationships, Letter to the ArmyThe Appeal of Living with Drama, etc.), and though I am still uncomfortable sharing my disappointing relationships and friendships face-to-face with my House group, I never keep anything from you, blogosphere.

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A Short Study on Sweet Solitude

In reference to this study, the word “alone” will be defined in terms of an intimate and romantic relationship, not as being completely and utterly with one’s self.

I have never been a person who has enjoyed her solace and aloneness up until the past few months. However, ever since Army and I broke up, I have felt this calmness in myself when I think of being alone. I don’t have to worry about someone else’s feelings, I don’t have to schedule my days around someone else, and I can completely focus on myself and the things that make me happy. If I had still been in a relationship, I would never have forced myself into new situations (like Ultimate, House, or going out of my way to make new friends). I feel comfortable in my aloneness. It suits me, at least for now.

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