I remember feeling that 2016 was a horrific year and I couldn’t wait until 2017 rolled around to begin anew. I had high expectations for this year and what it was going to bring. Or rather, I held high expectations of what the year should not bring — I craved a drastic shift from 2016. I expected more gains than losses, I expected a lot of love instead of grief and pain, and I expected much happiness, the type of happiness where I wouldn’t spend a single night falling asleep to tears. It’s true how the saying goes, friends, don’t go into anything with expectations because you’ll only be let down.
I’ve never been depressed. Sure, I’ve had bad times and I’ve had my own share of craziness. I’ve laid in bed at night and started crying for no rhyme or reason at all. But overall, even when things are as dark as can be, I am lucky enough to have the ability to say “I’m feeling depressed,” as opposed to “I have depression.”
I’ve never been depressed, but I’m slowly learning that there’s a big difference between those statements, and the key word is feeling.
The end never happens how you expect. Sometimes the end happens when you expect, or where you expect, but it’s never quite on the dot of how to expect it. Sometimes this is okay. Endings can be good things in Life. The saying goes, “Every ending is a new beginning.” However, sometimes endings are not okay. Sometimes they are a storm of uncertainty, confusion, and sadness that leave you swerving in their wake and flinging yourself into a river of unknown.
One of my top three fears is driving off a bridge into a river. Another is not being good enough. Endings are good at making you feel like you’re not good enough. That you’ll never be good enough. That you just can’t reach that certain something…
I wrote a reflection on my year in 2014 (2014 in Reflection) and, looking back, to see when and where I was in my life at each month in the past is a very powerful experience. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things can change and directions in Life can alter. This time last year I was preparing to begin a new career, was steadily becoming more infatuated with a new relationship, and the worst loss I had to cope with was that of a broken heart. 2015 brought about a whole new level of craziness that only reinstates Peonies ‘n Mint’s tagline: I am truly blessed to have loved, lost and gained so much.
You are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time.
This quote has been surrounding my life for the past three weeks since I first heard it spoken at House (my 20-something’s Bible study group.) Our discussion for the night was about reflecting on who we keep in our lives and the purpose of why some people seem to come and go at unexpected moments. This is something I have spoken about at length in my posts in the past (i.e. Calling Out Toxic Relationships, Letter to the Army, The Appeal of Living with Drama, etc.), and though I am still uncomfortable sharing my disappointing relationships and friendships face-to-face with my House group, I never keep anything from you, blogosphere.